Barnyard Voltron
Well, it's Christmas Eve and once again I'm preparing my Christmas goodies at the last minute. I'm wrapping this up swiftly so I can stuff it under the Hexmas Tree in the dead of night.
I'm not the only one, either. A slew of your favourite OSR bloggers are writing hexes to stuff in your bonbons. Keep an eye out for the inevitable roundup.
It's been a big December so I've only watched the first couple of scenes of The Little Drummer Boy (1968). I'm pretty sure that what I've written is canonical though.
Hex 802: Dry Dusty Desert
A hot, dry land baking under the light of God's love, cowed by fear of bandits and bowed under the weight of bureaucratic tyranny.
Effects
Lambs, donkeys and camels are most beloved of God. They travel at double speed. Horses are beloved of god for their beauty but despised for their arrogance. They are more radiant here, with glossy coats and silky manes, but travel at half speed. Pigs are thoroughly unholy. They travel at half speed too and take additional damage from holy magic.
On Entering
Drumbeats echo faintly through the whole hex. Too faintly for human ears, in fact. On the other hoof, animals can hear the drums from the instant they enter the hex, and will be drawn inexorably towards Aaron's Encampment unless their ears are plugged.
Factions
The Little Drummer Boy
Aaron, a young boy with an unyielding hatred for mankind. Only the laugh of an infant can quell his fury and restore his innocence. His only fear is fire. Aaron's drumming controls animals with its primal rhythm. He seeks to muster an army of beasts, first to exterminate the bandit gang that torched his village, and then to take revenge on all mankind. Location: Aaron's Encampment
Arsonist Bandits
Some people just want to watch the world burn. Their chant can summon the Fire Dragon with enough burnt offerings (1% chance per 20GP value burnt). Will demand fealty or tribute. If they do successfully summon the Fire Dragon they will (roll d4): 1) flee; 2) prostrate themselves in worship, 3) unsuccessfully attempt to subjugate the dragon, 4) successfully bargain for a week of draconic service - each day they will travel to a random adjacent hex and attempt to burn as much as possible. Location: Bandit Hideout
The Infant
Oh yeah, he's here too. The Magi are on their way to him, following the North Star. Play him a song and he will laugh, curing any wound or malady. To reach him you will have to pay 100GP tribute to the Father or best the Mother in unarmed combat. Actually fighting the Mother will earn you a place in Hell. Location: Manger
Vile Bureaucrats
Horrible, horrible, horrible. Roll a d4:
- Tax collectors. Demand 10% of your liquid assets.
- Water collectors. Demand 90% of your liquid assets.
- Census takers. Demand you to return to your birthplace.
- Bureau of Labour Statistics. Demand to know your employment status and income level.
| 2d4 | Encounter |
|---|---|
| 2 | Fire Dragon. |
| 3 | Vile Bureaucrats. Cackling with glee as they foist their odious paperwork on the populace. |
| 4 | Circus Slavers. Will seek to capture anyone with obvious talent in entertaining. |
| 5 | Arsonist Bandits. Roll 1d4: 1) Seeking the fire dragon; 2) Raiding a village; 3) Searching for wanderers to shake down; 4) Drunk. |
| 6 | Bored Townsfolk. Will pay d6 x 10 GP for a good show, or pelt with rotten fruit for a bad show. (Stinky and stressed until you find a bath.) |
| 7 | Wandering Beasts. Headed towards Aaron's Encampment. |
| 8 | 3 Magi and their caravans, bearing riches to the infant. |
Locations
Aaron's Encampment
A camp by an oasis. Animals from all over the hex are slowly making their way here, lured by Aaron's drums. Aaron sits crosslegged on the ground, slowly playing pa rum pa pa pum while animals crowd around him, slightly wall-eyed. At the sight of any other people (bar those accompanied by an infant), Aaron enters Voltron Mode.
Aaron's drumming speeds up as an entire drumkit emerges from the ground, surrounding him. His drumming becomes increasingly complex. The animals surrounding him begin to contort and arrange themselves into an assemblage resembling a shielded warrior.
To destroy a location, kill all animals that comprise it.
LEGS: 3 donkeys, 3 camels.
TRAMPLE: Runs through foes for 1d6 damage to everyone in line of passage.
TORSO: 5 pigs, surrounding and protecting Aaron. (Doubly susceptible to holy magic.)
RIGHT ARM: 2 bulls.
BLOW THE HORN: Smashes bulls downward for 3d6 damage.
LEFT ARM: 10 lambs. Holds a huge barn door that acts as a shield.
SHEEP SHIELD: At the start of each round, selects a location to protect. This location and the protected location have incoming damage reduced by half.
LAMB SLAM: Will utilise if other weapons are disabled. Launches d3 lambs through the air to impact on foes. 3d6 damage.
RIGHT SHOULDER: Shoulder mounted chicken swarm (20 total). FLOCK ROCKET: d3 chickens rocket towards each foe, leaving a contrail of feathers. 2 damage per impact. Mark shots off from chicken total.
Bandit Hideout
A camp cunningly concealed at the bottom of a narrow ravine. The only giveaway is the perpetual bonfire that releases thick plumes of black smoke at all hours. 20+5d6 bandits (of mixed gender, thank you very much) are present at any given time, unless they are currently on a raid. (Will leave 5 bandits on guard.) A large bonfire is stacked up here, separate to the burning one. Their fortune of ~1200 GP is strewn within, in loose coin and precious household objects. They plan to burn this and summon the fire dragon. If they hear that their old nemesis The Little Drummer Boy is at large, they will perform the summoning immediately and go to confront him.
Manger
A crib for someone without a crib. The manger is behind an inn with no rooms. The innkeeper is upset that his animals have all disappeared and will pay for any news of his sweet Zaza (donkey).